Small Victories

The past couple of weeks have been difficult. This post-traumatic thing I got going on weighs me down. Some days, I sink in to the sadness because I just can’t escape the fear and hopelessness. Other days, I stare at things around me blankly, disassociated from feelings and experiencing nothing.

It sucks.

Mercifully there are little events that pull me from my macabre reverie.

Trooper came through for me once again. On Monday he emailed me to let me know he followed up with the state police in my stalker’s town. The sergeant there thought my case significant enough for further action that he forwarded it to the prosecutor’s office. I should hear something next week. The gesture of keeping me informed felt warm. I held my hands to the warmth as I used to hold them to the coal-burning stove in my childhood home and enjoyed the comfort of having someone on my side.

Yesterday my copyright certificate arrived in the mail. Reading the certificate flushed me with empowerment. I now have legal ownership of those images, which gave me a renewed sense of ownership of self. I feel less helpless. No one can do anything with those images without my permission. I am, once again, the gatekeeper of my body. I put my foot down and outsmarted him. My intelligence and strength saved me.

Small victories. Delicious strength. Today I’ll line my eyes with kohl black, warrior style, and smile at everyone I see.

Enter the Government

I’ve been drafting a bill to propose new legislation that would make it a crime for people to harass and stalk others online – this includes impersonating someone online “with the intent to [harass/alarm/annoy]” (CR-3803). The research I have done so far has revealed many holes in the current legislation, so my bill proposes to close those holes and provide protection to victims of this harassment.

I contacted my State’s Senator and requested a meeting. Into the belly of the beast go I.

I can expect a reply in 2-4 weeks – Senators are busy people, after all. But that’s just fine with me. The better prepared I am to ask for support of my bill, the better my chances of getting the support.

In the meantime, Trooper has contacted the police in my stalker’s town. He is going to ask them to pay my stalker a visit and order him to leave me alone. If they don’t agree to help, he is going to contact the State police and ask them. I can’t imagine that any law enforcement official would deny this request…then again, law enforcement officials have been less than upstanding thus far.

The past two days have been crushing. I’ve cried a lot and have felt utterly hopeless. Slowly I am regaining my desire to fight. The request to my Senator was a big step. It proved to me that I possess an ember of hope.

At his Mercy

Trooper called. The State’s Attorney can’t do anything. The 1-year statute of limitations is law. There is no way around that. So Officer G- completely dropped the ball. He failed miserably to both protect and serve. As a result, no criminal charges will be pressed. My stalker will get away with harassing and exploiting me.

I am devastated. Hopeless. Tired.

It is astounding that someone can assume the identity of another and harass, exploit and put that person in danger and it is not considered a crime. Perfectly legal to torture another human being.

That will change. Once I recover from this disappointment, I’ll continue the process of bill writing and getting new legislation passed. But for now I need to shut down.

Dare I open myself to faith?

I’m having a hard time moving today. My puppy and I are on the couch, curled around each other protectively. I’m waiting to hear what the State’s Attorney (SA) has to say about my case. If I have a case, that is.

Trooper, that darling man, that consummate professional, emailed me this morning to FYI me that he left a message with the SA and is waiting for a call back. That simple courtesy is so wildly comforting. He kept his promise.

It’s an awful feeling to be let down by law enforcement officials. I am in the midst of grappling with the massive understanding that I am a victim.  It is a raw, vulnerable position. Officer G- violated me almost as much as my stalker. His lack of action last year was almost as exploitative as when my stalker posted the nude pictures of me. Both men took advantage of my vulnerability and their power.

Shortly I’ll push myself into the shower and make a list of goals to accomplish today.

And I’ll wait. And let wisps of faith move me.

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